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All of My Heroes Are Villains

by Beth Kinderman

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    Get all 13 Beth Kinderman & the Player Characters releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Sisyphus (Pegasus Mix), It Came from The FuMP!, The Hero's Journey, Stop Covering "Hallelujah", Departure: A Hero's Journey EP, Underneath the Mask (2018 Anniversary Edition), The Dread Gazebo, Refusal of the Call, and 5 more. , and , .

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1.
Fuse 03:34
I said I don't mean to call you Judas or reveal who you betrayed but thirty pieces of silver buys you a damn nice suit these days you glare at me from across the table but I think I'm gonna stay even when "get the hell out of my world" is all that your eyes have to say (chorus) & all the while I'll stay all smiles & crocodile tears an aesthetic anesthetic as elastic as your peers well maybe someday we'll be more than the weapons that we choose but til then I'll sit & smolder at the end of this fuse you read my words so hatefully as if you don't understand that the same green force that drives your pen is right here in my hand so keep on trying to cut me down in any way that you can cause when it goes to press I'll still be here & you'll still be no kind of man (chorus) but then it hit me & I saw that despite your vaunted fame you never laugh, you never smile like none of this is a game now I got friends & they got my back tell me, can you say the same? so I'd rather be happy little boring me than a void behind a name but no longer will I stay all smiles & crocodile tears cause that aesthetic anesthetic has been numbing me for years now maybe someday you will see you comprise what you refuse & on that day all these words will come together & fuse (chorus)
2.
Rogue 04:23
Saturday night & I'm sitting in Andy's closet while he's on the phone with his girlfriend I'm surrounded by yellowing magazines & reading back issues of X-Men it's making me sick & a little bit jealous to hear them extend their goodbyes BAM, POW, CRACK, I turn the page to see Cyclops fry some villain with his laser beam eyes you know this place is a fire hazard not so much because of the mess or the fact that there's a radiator every two feet it's because of you & me, I guess & how everyone including you probably notices the sparks flying as our bodies adjust so I listen to you talk about the spaceman Sasquatch but it's me who'll make the tabloids when I spontaneously combust (chorus) & you tell me I am a superhero you tell me I am so smart you tell me I'm the kind of girl you marry I had a bad experience, all I need is a new start but I am not feeling so super today since I realized I need you so much & that you'll never know when the gloves come off all I ever wanted was to be touched like when it's 5:30 a.m. in the morning & I can't get you out of my mind losing sleep as quick as you lost your religion thinking about what I'll surely think of next time & the way we wore each other's clothing & the veil of your hair against my head & how when I drove off my car windows were steamy as though we'd spent the night together in there instead (chorus) & you tell me I'm gifted as though I am a present tied up, wrapped up, given away & you tell me my words will be remembers though you can't remember what I said to you yesterday it's okay, I understand I'm some kind of mutant I gave up being normal long ago but I wonder would it be easier collecting your fingerprints if it weren't always so but it's alright, I'm keeping my distance more than arm's length away at all times a few things may have slipped out the other night that I'd like to go back and revise like when I said you were a wonderful person I meant when you're not acting this way as though I mean to add you to my book of failures when all I really want is for things to change (chorus)
3.
once upon a weekend well me & my best friends went looking for something to see & down in the basement we found a replacement for prom & for late night TV with half the room sleeping & half the room keeping far away from it all on the stairs I was sixteen I was glued to the screen alone & intrigued by what I saw there (chorus) Hannibal Lecter brilliant & dignified more real than fiction could be I was rooting for you from the beginning what does that say about me? it's one thing to get at her through the glass another to get under my skin but what can I say, I'm fascinated after lunch then the game can begin so now turning corners I see you before us your voice is the noise in my mind another obsession for ruthless repression horrific but still almost kind & maybe it's easy & a lot more pleasing if we hold you up instead of what's true cause we look in the mirror we search for a hero but all we come up with is you (chorus) how far will you go? what more can you do? what kind of sin do you need to commit for me to stop admiring you? & now some years later my path gets no straighter but you dig your way deeper each time like the other day I heard the newspaper say there was a fugitive eluding his crime pursued through three states making narrow escapes & fooling all those who stood in his way & it took me a minute before I'd admit it I was hoping he would get away Hannibal Lecter twisted & so polite better than evil should be yeah, I cheer for the bad guy from the beginning what does that say about me? it's one thing to smile at you on celluloid another to endorse it for real but what can I say, it's complicated I'm afraid of how you make me feel (chorus)
4.
Princess 03:30
princess, I will let you down I know this much is true you smile so politely but I'm not the one for you the only thing expected is to stay here by your side but even this concession is a favor that I can't provide for in the end these truths remain: I'll be a pawn in no one's game skies are blue & leaves are brown & I will let you down princess, I apologize this isn't what I planned my enemy's on my trail & so he has forced my hand there's more at stake in my head than the mind that sits the throne I came here seeking comfort but I must continue on alone for in the end these truths remain: I'll be a pawn in no one's game lips are blue & skin is brown & I will let you down princess, I have let you down just like I always do you'll stand there sweetly frozen but I won't stand beside you as for our daughter, tell her that I never had a choice & that my dreams were haunted by the memory of her tiny voice for in the end these truths remain: I'll be a pawn in no one's game eyes are blue & hair is brown & I will let you down princess, I will let you down you knew this from the start I hope I've done some good here that I've safeguarded your heart for now I lie before her nowhere left for me to go her hair so soft & lovely & more at stake than you'll ever know for now the way is all too clear two must go on through far & near so why is there this nagging fear that I will let her down?
5.
Redeemer 03:58
when I wore your faith like a hand-me-down you expected that it wouldn't fit if it's a little bit baggy, a little too long gotta give it time, grow into it now you act so surprised that the growing never stopped & I show up in a different set of clothes you can tear at my garments but I warn you my redemption runs deeper than the vestments that I chose (chorus) so shout it to the heavens my denial of your savior when the straw that broke my aching back was laid down by your behavior in the circle where I stand now through myself I'll be forgiven & when I feel the power in my blood I know that my redeemer liveth yeah, I could have been a more careful girl clenched my fist & bit my bleeding tongue but now the woman inside says she's tired of being every fucking thing to everyone & I'm sorry you're hurt but I'm not sorry I spoke I'm not sorry that I just called what I saw cause I've learned when you calculate the price of every sentence soon you don't open up your mouth at all (chorus) I call upon the east so my voice will ring with truth & wisdom call upon the south to ignite passion in my hands call upon the west to accept the flow & ebb of water call upon the north for solid ground on which to stand balance in the center reaching inward for the One who is open to all corners & all sides She knows that I have hurt you but She also knows that this faith is something I no longer dare to hide if you'd stopped me there, showed me I was rude maybe then this guilt would ring more true but then you wrote down your name with a final fervent wish that I'd come round to be just like you so you'll pray to your god that someday I'll know the fear of a hateful selfish deity & kneel but this world is my Goddess & she's in my every breath now so tell me, what on earth could be more real? (chorus 2x)
6.
Every Angel 03:37
tree of life & tree of knowledge for a moment looked the same but when I'm naked & I'm ignorant am I really the one to blame? but still you stand at the entrance to my garden holding high your flaming sword saying that you think it's best for all of us that I don't live there anymore (chorus 2x) you've come here with one duty your voice now calling to me so terrible in your beauty like every angel should be now my birthright's a straightjacket & my good deeds are as ash the feathered wings my faith has given me weigh so heavily on my back I prayed so long for a token of his favor that he'd claim me as his own but the only sign that ever came to me said that my sin was mine alone (chorus 2x) now I worship you in silence but sometimes the secret slips like when the sweet annunciation falls unexpectedly from your lips so I will search for a sign of his forgiveness in the form of a raven or a dove knowing that I'd sooner drown beneath the flood that I would step outside this love (chorus 2x) tree of life & tree of knowledge for a moment looked the same but when I'm naked & I'm ignorant am I really the one to blame? but still you stand at the entrance to my garden holding high your flaming sword saying that you think it's best for all of us that I don't live there anymore
7.
Clear Water 04:22
sister got a job tending the bar out at Red Lobster said you asked about me, wondered when I would drop by so I ordered up a pint as she called back into the kitchen & out you walked in your red apron & your tongue ring & your tie well introductions all around, I'd like you all to meet my friend he's a writer, he's a liar who I've known since I was ten he wrote a poem about me & I loved him for his mind but didn't see this fairy tale was not the ever after kind you faced down your stepmother as I languished in my tower waiting for the day when we'd both come into our power you were not the warrior prince & I was not the royal daughter but we waded into these shallows anyway in clear water you came & went like meteors, made a home where you could find it drawn back into my orbit like an errant comet knight you fought me like a sister & I loved you like a brother because the point was arguing, not knowing we were right remember how we used to blow off class to go play Magic trade comic books & videos & revel in the tragic til you fed me stolen candy, told me it would be okay it's just a couple months before this town's behind us anyway then you wrapped your arms around her, you were right, it didn't matter soon we'd all be free & famous & get gone but never scatter unaware of what it meant we both looked forward to the slaughter to the drop we knew we'd hit, we'd sink or swim in clear water now you say Orth moved up to Somerset, he's living with his father so you don't really see all that much of him these days way back when the two of you were just like Jay & Silent Bob & he was the star of every song that I played well, Josh & Angie broke up but he's still just chasing Amy my ex is getting married to some girl he met at gaming the Army threw out Mikey, that's the last of him you've seen & Damian still bags groceries between nightly games of D&D but no one's talked to Rhinehart since he moved to California... & that's when you looked up & said, "I didn't mean to bore you" I said no, it's good to hear, and that I never have forgot her while I thought these are just other lives washed away by clear water we stared back at each other & you nodded & I smiled & I realized my mistake as you sank down into your yearning I was trying to apologize & you said it was great to talk but you gotta get away because the steaks are burning & I thought about Wyoming as I watched you walk away they sent a rescue party but just broke down halfway so no one ever saw you sitting in the wreckage of your car cradling the body of the one who got you that far now you turn to wave goodbye & I know I shall know you no more I am fresh and you are salt now, crashing on some distant shore since the day a deeper current tumbled in & blithely caught her like the rapids that swept me out into a sea of clear water
8.
Drive 05:28
the sunrise on the highway lights up another motel bed wherein I lie denying morning & the last words that we said gotta get up get on the road again the shower's cold & the coffee's bad just another day shaping up to be among the worst I ever had nothing to keep me here, I could leave at any time but I'm giving you a few more miles before I leave it all behind (chorus) cause sometimes there's a change in me it happens when my back is turned & I remember how it used to be just you & me against the world what do you say we just get a move on & not stand still while we're still alive I'll fill the tank, you pick the music & I won't even ask you why if we can just drive a hundred towns behind us we've got a hundred more to go what did you hope to find here? there are days I wonder if you know but I know you're keeping your secrets close although you didn't exactly lie & you're saying that I'm in anguish, well I know you are, but what am I? no reason to go on no matter what you say but it's not like I've got somewhere else to be at this moment anyway (chorus) we travel through the night now beat down & battered by the wind the headlights do so little tape cues up that same damn song again I have lost more than you can fathom, friend & you're hurt deeper than I can know but now I am my brother's keeper so get used to never letting go & you're about to say I'm not who you expect but I want you to shut up a minute & let's just see what happens next (chorus) the sunrise on the highway lights up another motel bed
9.
Distraction 04:12
come a little closer, haven't I seen your body before? if I squint I can mistake you for somebody I adore he's right here, standing beside me, he goes with me everywhere I'd take him not for granted but he doesn't seem to care cause every time I say I'll save him from her he'll just smile & refuse I'm beginning to think he likes it to be this broken & abused (chorus) so who's that hanging on my hand today it's the least of my romances I'd keep on trying but I've come too far to believe in second chances so I'm giving up absolutely everything to this pitiful attraction but ask me to explain it & I'll gladly say hey, look, it's a distraction once I was a rebel, in on it all & out until dawn I walked around the city with my independence on now I'm thirsty but I'm sober, not by choice, I've been denied but second best is better than to stay alone inside cause he's a joker & a loser waiting to be rescued from himself he is everything I wanted but he belongs to someone else (chorus) I'm not in love with you but I'm not in love with anything I don't even love myself sometimes so the story goes I'm not ashamed of this but I'm not ashamed of many things & I think this time it'll turn out fine just so long as you never know I'm not afraid of being lonely I'm not afraid of being bored just don't let me be forgotten you can do what you want but just don't let me be ignored you've got me where you want me, I raise my hands & claim defeat get lost in your caresses & the words that you repeat & when you lead me to your bedroom you know I will not resist cause I'll live any lie to tear myself away from this maybe someday he'll cut me down from here, he left me just enough rope but until then I will just dangle, choking on this fraying hope (chorus 2x)
10.
losing my lucidity I hang beneath Cloud City til I learn from my mistakes left behind my master just to move a little faster well it seems that's all it takes you throw me out the window & I realize what I'm into there's no ground to catch my fall seems the best-laid plans can be severed like a hand should I have come here after all? you say, "join me & I'll tell you all the things that you denied & when it comes down to it you'll be ruling at my side" (chorus) now here's to all the rebels & the ones who never settled they were with me all along they wandered undercover as I hungered for a lover & I wondered what went wrong now would I be wrong to pull your helmet off, to crack your brittle armor to see what makes you tick cause that is what you asked & who knows, maybe this Darth Vader is just some skinny white boy underneath the mask tell General Calrissian I'm endangering the mission so I'm turning myself in I come here not to kill you, not to save you, not to heal you cause I can't do that again if this were a movie all this fear would rush right through me right now I'd take any role the dialogue is cheesy but forgiveness is so easy & I'm always in control I say, "I saw the good in you, the good you tried to hide but joining you is madness that I never could abide" (chorus) no anger, no fear no peace, know I'm here I'll find what I seek what you never had - serenity but I'm strong in the Force, now I see through your lies cause never once did you look upon me with your own eyes dying faceless on the floor you don't scare me anymore I was right, I've always known no Obi-Wan Kenobi ever warned me, ever told me so I did this on my own now I lay you on the pyre & I touch you with my fire on the darkened forest moon unsure what I've discovered but I know now that it's over & a change is coming soon I was the last survivor, now I'm the first of the new & these will be the last words that I ever waste on you (chorus)
11.
Valley 05:04
down in the valley, valley so low hang your head over, hear the wind blow hear the wind blow, dear, hear the wind blow hang your head over, hear the wind blow flightless chained to the world once more I'm assailed sunk & boarded fearless chose you time & again this is how I'm rewarded eyes to the stars but I'm aimlessly drifting in a sky that is black cold & trackless but doubtless but for the way it ends be it known you were flawless you said "you take the wheel just like I showed you dear carry on you are blameless you will live on you were always too strong for me" doesn't mean it was painless I bit the apple without fear of consequence but held you too close to my chest I've danced this dance before, hit what I'm aiming for so back to the valley I guess roses love sunshine, violets love dew angels in heaven know I love you know I love you, dear, know I love you angels in heaven know I love you weightless as a leaf on the wind what is left but to fight it? wordless always the warrior can't they see I'm so frightened wasn't just you that I lost in that moment cause I won't meet that child now regardless so once more into that valley's arms & I'll stay now inside it you take the wheel...

about

Beth's debut album, full of folky, geeky, singer-songwritery goodness.

credits

released February 29, 2008

Justin Hartley: drums, percussion, accordion, hand claps
Beth Kinderman: lead & harmony vocals, acoustic & electric guitars, bass, mandolin, percussion, hand claps, interpretive dance
Dave Stagner: acoustic & electric guitars, bass, lap steel, pedal steel, synths/keyboards, percussion, hand claps, thermostat
Nikki Walker: harmony vocals
Eric Zawadzki: harmony vocals

All songs by Beth Kinderman/Beloved Porcupine Music, 2008
Engineered, mixed, & produced by Dave Stagner at Extraterrestrial Highway Studios
Mastered by Greg Reierson at Rare Form Mastering

Front & interior photos & graphic design by Kat Singer (katsinger.com)
Back cover photo by Beth Kinderman
Porcupine drawing by Nikki Walker

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Beth Kinderman & the Player Characters Minneapolis, Minnesota

If you like epic song cycles based upon multi-thousand-page fantasy novels, thought-provoking lyrics, violin solos, complex vocal harmonies, huge drums, and weird guitar effects, but you also think that more musicians should write songs about surviving the zombie apocalypse and attempting to sleep with video game characters, Beth Kinderman & the Player Characters are the band for you. ... more

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